Quit Smoking
With Smoke Away
Sponsor
View Shopping Cart
Checkout Now
Quit Smoking With the
E-Z Quit Artificial Cigarette
Proudly Serving The
Internet Since
June, 1997
Link Partners:
How to Quit Smoking
As Seen On TV Products
Perfume
Stop Smoking
Teeth And Gums
Sanibel Island
Submit URL
Smoke Away
I Could Have Been a Millionaire
by Mark Brennaman
The way I figure, I could have $1,817,351.54 in the bank right now, but I chose to enrich poor ol' Phillip Morris instead. I've been smoking cigarettes for longer than I care to mention here. When I was young my parents smoked Pall Malls and I'd sneak a couple out of their packs to try them out. I eventually became mesmerized by the Marlboro Man, and wanted to be just like him -- except for the part where he dies of lung cancer.
This huge sum of money was calculated by conservatively estimating how many packs of cigarettes I've purchased in my lifetime. I then estimated how the price of cigarettes has steadily gone up over the years. (I remember once proclaiming, "When cigarettes go up to 75 cents a pack, I'm quitting." Today, a pack costs me $3.51). Next, I calculated the balance had I deposited the money in a bank and let compound interest do its magic.
Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda
I could have done a lot of neat things with $1.8 million. I could have invested it in Enron and been as broke as I am now, but at least my heart and lungs would be healthy.
I could have purchased a mansion and made all my guests go outside to smoke, or blown it all for a night or two in the Lincoln Bedroom a few years back. Or, I could have donated it to George W. Bush, Jr.'s campaign and spent four years as ambassador to the Bahamas.
My clothes wouldn't smell of stale tobacco, and my skin would not have yellowed and taken on a Keith Richards-like appearance.
I should have known better. The Surgeon General issued his first warning about the health effects of tobacco before I even took up the habit. I should have quit when my mother died of cancer long ago.
Despite all that, I bought pack after pack of one of the highest tar and nicotine-laden brands going -- Marlboro Reds. And I was a professional smoker at that. I'd even wake up in the middle of the night to smoke a cigarette or two since the puffs in my dreams just didn't satisfy my need for more nicotine.
Several years back, I found myself in intensive care and was really upset at the nurse for not bringing me cigarettes. She had promised to take care of my craving. What kind of service was this? I was on anesthetic drugs from my surgery, but still conscious enough to explain things to my sister: "The nurse is going to bring me a box to put over my head so I can smoke."
When I woke up the next day in a regular hospital room I found that the nurse had put a nicotine patch on my arm. Powerful stuff, nicotine! I wanted to rip it off my arm, roll it up and smoke it, but the nurse wouldn't give me a lighter.
I’m a quitter
Quitting smoking has been a struggle for me and I blame this on my school teachers. They taught me that winners never quit and quitters never win. Of course, they weren't talking about smoking, but how was I to know?"
I've tried to quit so many times I consider myself an expert -- at not quitting. Of course, my attempts to quit never lasted. The nicotine would finally nag my brain and nervous system until I'd buy another pack and gleefully light up. But now I'm determined to be a quitter, once and for all.
This time I'm going to kick butt, as in cigarette butts. I've got a prescription for Zyban™ and have the first month's supply of Habitrol™ step-down nicotine patches. I've also got a burning desire to rid my body of all the carbon monoxide, tar, nicotine and the other 142 toxic chemicals that make up what we call a smoked cigarette.
December 30 is my birthday, and my present to myself this year is to kick the habit. I actually opened my present a little early -- December 21st is my official quit date. Now, if I can just discipline myself to deposit at least $5.25 a day in the bank I will be a millionaire one day -- and live to spend it on things other than chemotherapy.
Update
It turns out that quitting on December 21st was just a dress rehearsal – I needed to be absolutely certain that quitting was not going to kill me. I bought a pack on Christmas Eve and continued to smoke until high noon on December 28th.
Since then I have adopted a motto that gives me great motivation and plenty of resolve not to smoke – Smoke-free in ’03. Just one puff and my mission to be smokeless this year will end. It is now January 15, Day 18 without a cigarette. I’ve experienced only two or three cravings to smoke each day and they pass very quickly. I believe in my heart I really will be Smoke-free in ’03 and beyond.
Mark Brennaman publishes Witwords.com featuring a variety of humorists and a Fictionary of Witty Words.